Pregnancy-Friendly Body Care

Most women try hard to make sure they are eating properly and not exposing themselves to plastics and cans with BPA, or GMOs or heavily sprayed produce when pregnant and nursing (and all the time, right?). What about skin care? I've been asked a few times as to what I use when I'm pregnant and/or breastfeeding.

Recently I've become more strict about what I put on my body. Even "natural" skin creams, toothpastes, etc. may have GMO ingredients or ingredients that border on toxic. So, here are a few things I use and recipes to go along with if I make them myself:

Body Moisturizers

Coconut oil - I buy it in bulk, usually from Tropical Traditions. If I feel the need for a bit of fragrance, I use a drop or two of essential oil. I use it as an all-over body lotion as soon as I get out of the shower. I also use it on my lips. I will often travel with a very small, leak-proof container of it just for hands and lips.

Body Lotion - HoneyBeeHolistics, an Etsy seller, creates fabulous smelling body lotions that smell good enough to eat. Her products are soy (I'm allergic) and GMO-free. I am in love with her organic coconut banana creme pie version. Since coconut oil doesn't stay solid in higher temperatures, I like to take this with me when we travel.

Honestly, I find that coconut oil is all that is necessary. There is no need for any other fancy lotions. I like the one above because I know exactly what it is in and it smells great. Do I need it? No. It's a "luxury" item. I have also made my own before and while that is nice, with three chidlren and one on the way, I don't always have time for that. It's more time consuming than making deodorant (below). 

Toothpaste

I have pinned a few recipes on Pinterest but haven't ventured into making my own yet. Many "natural" toothpastes, such as Jason's, use carrageenan which is now known as a possible carcinogen and also can cause gastrointestinal distress. I'm willing to bet that Jason's will shortly take it out of their products, now that carrageenan is getting such bad press. However, I have found a toothpaste that works great for all of us - even the kids like it:

It's Earthpaste. Lila likes the lemon flavor and Olivia likes the peppermint. I'm using the wintergreen. You can probably find it locally at health food stores. I bought a four pack at Amazon here.

Deodorant

Homemade: For around the home and running quick errands, I use a homemade recipe from Passionate Homemaking and I think it works really well. You can find the recipe here. I put in a few drops each of peppermint, tea tree and lavender essential oils, however, you can experiment to find what works best for you. I put it in a small glass jar and keep in the bathroom. I also put some in an old deodorant container and keep in fridge as it's a little too soft otherwise.

HoneyBeeHolistics:  Passionate Homemaking's recipe holds me over quite nicely while I'm waiting for HoneyBee's to arrive. She makes an excellent deodorant and I hope she never goes out of business. It's better than any store-bought version I have ever tried. You can find it here. Her shipping is not very quick - but her products are wonderful - so be patient.

Hair

Hair is one I'm still working on. I'm not interested in the no-poo versions. Just not my thing - especially with my thick hair. There are some good German organic versions that I use from time to time. However, most, even American "natural" or organic versions,  use some sort of soy as a thickener or preservative. I'm allergic to soy - so I'm still in the process of finding a good, soy-free shampoo. In the mean time, the ones I do use are SLS and paraben free. I don't wash my hair every day. I wash every other day - so I'm not too worried - but if you have tried a soy, SLS, paraben free shampoo, list it in the comments!

Make-Up

I don't wear make-up daily. I only wear it once or twice a week. When I do wear it, I wear:

Lavera: Lavera is a German brand that I get at local organic stores. It works really well for me, however, when I get back to the States, most likely next summer, I'll have to search out some of the products recommended to me and pinned because outside of Germany, Lavera products are expensive. I don't pay nearly as much here as I would ordering from Amazon, for example. Also, I don't think their whole product line is easily found outside of Europe. I'll likely stock up before I leave - so I'll have enough for an entire year before shopping for a good US product.

That's about it - what do you use?

Naming the Baby

Many people have asked if we have come up with a name yet. My mother recently asked and said, "Grandma has to know!!"

Well, here it is. We don't have one. Not at all. Well, a month or so ago Matt bounced one off me and I'm kinda "eh" about it. We haven't discussed names since then and we didn't discuss a middle name. I still can't wrap my mind around the name he suggested, so, for now, it's a no. I browse names from time to time at Nameberry and pay attention to names as I read magazines, books, blogs, etc. Nothing has caught my eye - yet. If Matt really pushes his pick, I may give in - but, I'm not convinced he even likes it that much...So, yeah, I think we are still in early stages of name picking with only two months left to go. It'll come to us, right?

When we do name him, you can expect that his name will not be in the top 300 baby names listed for 2012 by the  Social Security Administration. I have a "thing" about that. Liv will likely have another Olivia in her homeroom each year all through school. I didn't want that to happen with my other two. Colden's name is not in the top 1,000 and Lila's name was ranked number 182 in 2012, rising from 329 in 2006, the year she was born. I grew up loving the fact that not many people had my name. I think I knew one or two other Natalie's growing up. That's it. It was nice not to have to write Natalie A. on all my school work. I know, that's silly. But, I liked it. I took note of it then and take note of it with my own children. Poor Olivia. She doesn't yet care because she has been in German schools and Olivia is not a German name.

When will you find out our newest son's name? I suspect you (including immediately family members - even our children) will find out within one hour - two weeks after he's born. Not before.

Sorry!!

Circumcision Regrets and Mommy Bashing

Long before Colden came into our lives, I was at a playgroup with my girls. Two moms were talking about a mom who didn't it make it that day. What I heard goes something like this:

"I can't believe she didn't circumcise her son. He's going to be so dirty. I bet he'll get infections. It's just so gross. I mean, how does she keep it clean? He's going to get picked on by all the boys in the locker room. He doesn't look like his dad. How cruel. I just couldn't subject my son to such a mess."

Having only girls, I didn't really know what to say. I wanted to come to this mother's defense. I was shocked that misinformation can bring out such cruel talk amongst mothers.  Would anyone listen to what I had learned when I worked for a urologist during college? Without personal experience on the subject, would they brush me off? I don't remember what I said, exactly. Aside from saying something about having lived in Europe and learning that most European men are not circumcised - so problems must, actually, be really rare - I kept tight-lipped.

A long while later, I found out I was expecting a boy. I knew immediately I would not allow him to be circumcised. It wasn't easy convincing my husband. In the end, body integrity is what won him over. He decided it would not be right to permanently alter his son's body without his spoken permission - something a newborn baby can not do.

During my year working for a urologist, I had learned that circumcision was not necessary. Here are some of things I came across (and sometimes even discussed with the doctor for clarification and better explanation) as I typed up dictations in between my college classes:

• Male UVM college student complains of pain during sex. Diagnosis - too much skin was taken off during his infant circumcision. Erections are tight and painful. Pain aside, to the untrained eye, his penis looks perfectly "normal." His parents likely never had a clue that their decision would later ruin his sex life.  
• 1 in 5 UVM college students has or has had an STD. Rates of circumcision at that time among male college students was just over 80%. Circumcision played no part in preventing STDs. 
• Erectile dysfunction is more common in older circumcised men than in older men not circumcised. This is because the foreskin is meant to protect the head of the penis. When the foreskin is gone, the body builds a protective layer over it. Over time, the skin becomes thicker and thicker. By the time a man is elderly, he may not be able to have the ability to feel as well as well as he could in the past - though some men suffer from lack of sensation much much earlier than this. Men who need excessive thrusting in order to climax are often experiencing decreased sensation due to their infant circumcision. 

What did I learn during my pregnancy with Colden:

• Studies showing intact infants having higher rates of UTIs were not controlled for breastfeeding. Breastfed infants rarely have issues with UTIs. UTIs can be treated with antibiotics. Baby girls have higher rates of UTIs than intact or circumcised males. 
• 100 babies die each year due to complications of circ.
• Blood cortisol levels, whether a baby cries or not (not crying during circumcision usually means baby is in shock), rise during the procedure and can stay high for several hours or even days.
• America is the only country routinely performing neonatal circumcision. Religious reasons aside, no other country in the world performs circumcision on a routine basis. The UK and Canada routinely circ'd in the past, however, the UK stopped the practice in the 50's and Canadian rates are now down to 20%.  China, the most heavily populated country in the world, has a 0% circumcision rate. 
• Clean what is seen. That is it. There is no special care for the intact penis. You wash it like you would a finger. 
• As long as boy is not retracted forcibly (something uninformed parents and even some medical professionals think is necessary - but is not. A medical provider can even be sued for retracting a penis. The penis will naturally retract on its own when the boy does it - usually during puberty) he should have no issue with his penis. 

What about the "locker room" and "must look like dad argument." Well, let's look at it like this. Lila's birth aside, my mother has not seen my vulva since I began showering on my own. Probably around the age of 9 or 10. I assume this also applies to most men - as soon as they were showering on their own, their father probably never saw their penis again. We do not sit around comparing penises and vaginas. We do not, as a general rule, go to naked spas (as the German do, for example). It's likely your son will never even remember what his father's penis looks like. And, don't we know how to speak to our sons? Can't we tell them, if they ask, that daddy was circ'd because it was routine at the time and now we know it isn't necessary. How hard is that? My husband is a bit irked that Colden has dark brown eyes instead of blue. He has blonde hair. Why aren't his eyes blue? He will see his son's brown eyes and be reminded of this the rest of his life. He will not, likely, see his son's penis ever again in a few more years.

If your son is being picked on in the locker room, a couple things are going on. For one, if someone is picking on his penis, he's probably being picked on for other things too. Bullying is no longer allowed in schools.  I also hope we try hard to raise self-confident boys who can stand up for themselves and also have a good self-body image. Finally, rates of circumcision in America are rapidly dropping. In some States rates are only about 30%. The last few playgroups I have attended, more boys were intact than circ'd (I found this out through open discussion or naked toddlers running around during diaper changes, etc).  My son will not be the only boy in his gym class to not be circ'd. I'm sure of that. A few moms and friends have admitted that they made a mistake, will later apologize to their son and not circ future sons.

When we know better, we do better. 

So, do I regret not circumcising Colden? Has he suffered from infections? Is he dirty and smelly? No to all. In fact, every day I am proud that I respected his human right to body integrity. His body, his choice. His body does not belong to my husband or I. End of story.

If you'd like more information on circumcision, this university lecture is very informative and non-bashing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ceht-3xu84I

The Whole Network is also a great resource. You can even email them questions and they will send you evidence based information and resources: http://www.thewholenetwork.org/

Weaned

A few months ago I blogged how I thought Colden was weaning. Then, we went on vacation and he picked nursing right back up again. I was, actually, a bit relieved. I didn't really want him to wean.
During our two weeks in Slovenia and Croatia, he would wake at around 5:00am. He'd come into bed with Matt and I and nurse until about 8:00. Three hours straight. Yikes. I've never been good about sleeping with a baby latched on - so I didn't get very much sleep. I thought for sure that he'd continue to nurse through my pregnancy.

However, upon returning home and getting back into our routine, he suddenly stopped. I would offer to nurse him and he would laugh and spit on me.

So, that's that. I can't say I'm upset because he weaned on his own. I didn't push it at all. He didn't tolerate my milk drying up. Nursing, with no milk flow, wasn't something he was interested in.

No tandem nursing for us. And, here's the thing. With Olivia, I had a supply of milk longer than I did in this pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different, every baby/toddler is different. I can't be jealous of other moms who have been able to nurse their entire pregnancy.  Colden made a decision and I have to respect that and move on. My nursing days are far from over! Another eight-nine weeks, and I'll have a sweet smelling tiny guy at the breast and I'm pretty sure we'll be nursing into his toddler days...

It's Really Going to Happen

I have to admit that with all the running around after three children and the fact that I really thought Colden was my last baby, I've been a bit detached from this pregnancy. It hasn't felt real. When you are pregnant with your first, you notice everything. You are eager to meet your baby as soon as you test positive. Your whole world becomes baby-centered. By the fourth, you almost forget about it unless you feel a strong jab to the bladder or ribs.

Since I had donated almost all of Colden's 0-6 month clothing, I've been kinda keeping an eye out for deals on clothes for the new guy. Zulilly has had some really great deals. I've ordered three or four outfits and the first two came in today from Sage Creek Organics. My heart did a little squeeze as I opened up the packages and looked them over. I'm really going to have a new little guy in those in just a few months (I'm six-months tomorrow). I'm finally starting to get eager to meet him and so are the girls, Olivia especially.

Student and Pregnant Single Mom

As most you know, Matt deployed last week for nine months. So, aside from supporting us financially, he's almost an non-entity. I'm a pregnant, single mom to three children. So far, all has been relatively calm. On day two a bird flew into the house but I was able to successfully get him out. One of my professors didn't update her online blackboard with the correct assignment due dates. I thought they were due in August. When I checked my university email early this week, I found I had six assignments due by the end of this week. Yikes!! No biggie, right?

Environmental Science Textbook - A subject that bores the living daylights out of me

Well, depends on how you look at it. I have mornings to work on homework while Colden is at school, however, I had appointments and/or events Tuesday morning, Thursday and Friday. So, when I am home, I'm doing homework. My house is getting a mess again. I sweep, cook, load and unload the dishwasher, and that's about it. The floors need a good mopping, laundry needs to be done, general pick-up is lacking in each room. But, if I did all that, I wouldn't sleep. Single, pregnant women need sleep. I could drop my two classes but I really need to make some forward progress here. The classes aren't hard but they are time consuming. I have four quizzes to take between now and tomorrow night. That's about four hours worth of work. I can do it and I'll just have to live with the fact that I'll be spending my weekend cleaning. Yuck. Anyhoo. No need getting upset about it all! I'll promise the kids a couple hours at the local pool and, maybe a short play date over the weekend. Good enough, right? Anyone with three kids knows that they will cry boredom in between each of those things and call me the "worst, most boring mom ever." Spoiled much?

Gender Revealed!!

Place Your Vote!

It's about that time! I'm 21-22 weeks pregnant. We had our "big" ultrasound last night (no more after this, despite the fact that the nice doc would like me back in 10-weeks for a final one). The baby looks perfectly healthy, which is what my main focus was, especially given that I am planning another home birth in a foreign country.

We are having a very very small BBQ on Sunday afternoon with a few friends and will have Skype on for family. A cake decorator knows the sex of our baby. I had decided to have cake at the party because Matt is deploying soon. Not that I really want to celebrate a deployment. But, a "sweet" send off is always fun, right?

So, despite the fact that I am not a fan of food coloring, I have told the decorator to make the filling either pink or blue, depending on the sex, so we could have a little gender reveal party. My young girls will surely get a kick out of it. Liv has asked to cut the cake and I have agreed.

So...place your vote!! Are we having a boy or a girl??

A Shocker

I can hardly believe it, but my little man is weaning. Early in my pregnancy I blogged about how incredibly unhappy he was that my milk had almost entirely dried up. It was a very difficult adjustment for us and I was so heart broken (My milk did not dry up nearly as quickly with Olivia and she nursed until the end the my pregnancy with Lila. She was not phased in the least. A reminder that every pregnancy can, indeed, be different. Comparing one mother to another or one pregnancy to another is fairly fruitless) about the entire situation.

After several weeks, he started to eat more table food and found a happy place. He would nurse at nap times, bed time and a couple times in the middle of the night. It was comfort nursing, but it worked for him. He was content. I was relieved.

Recently, we traveled to Slovenia and Croatia and he nursed every morning for at least one hour straight. We laid in bed together while he nursed through his last hour or more of sleep. It was a bit trying for me because I don't sleep and nurse easily. However, it kept him quiet which, in turn, let everyone sleep an extra hour or more each morning. Weaning was not on the horizon - or so I thought.

Upon returning home a couple of weeks ago, you can imagine my surprise when he stopped asking to nurse. At times, when I offered, he would pull away and grab for something else, distracting himself. As it stands now, if I don't offer, he doesn't ask. When I do offer, he will nurse for a few seconds, smile up at me, play with my hair, come unlatched, point to my nipple, say "ball" and run off.

I had planned on tandem nursing. While that is not entirely out of the question, it will be up to me if I want that to happen or not. I can continue to offer and keep him nursing up to a few times a week (so he doesn't "forget" how to latch properly), or I can discontinue altogether.

Both situations require some thought. If this baby is as tongue-tied as he was, my main focus will be getting tongue and lip tie revisions and a proper latch. In my experience as a lactation counselor, I've noticed that most toddlers, even if they were mostly-weaned during the pregnancy, love the new milk coming in and take up nursing whole-heartily. In some cases this contributes to over-supply of milk, which I have struggled with each time (Yes, it is possible to have an over-supply instead of low-supply. Both can present great challenges). If I'm dealing with newborn latch issues, over-supply and an over-eager nursing toddler, I could be in for some very big challenges. Then again, it may go better than expected and I my worry will have been for nothing.

It's another journey in my life as a mother. We'll figure it out as we go along. I'm not going to stress too much about it. These things have a way of working themselves out. I also have more resources available to me than many other moms have (or know they have).

On the plus side, as Colden has weaned himself, he has started sleeping through the night. Yes, finally!! He's 21-months and with Matt deploying soon for 9-10 months, it couldn't have come at a better time. I am beyond thrilled! Since I fiercely disagree with crying-it-out (I let my toddlers whimper a bit, however, screaming ones self to sleep is a no-no in my book. I'm not comfortable with my child's stress hormones becoming elevated due to my selfishness. I say that even as a mother who has a chronic illness which requires me to get proper sleep or suffer the consequences), I was worried I would be up with a toddler and a newborn several times a night. Looks like I can put that worry aside!! Phew!

If you are pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant and have a nursing infant or toddler, KellyMom provides some excellent information here: Nursing During Pregnancy and Tandem Nursing

My Boy is Back!

The past couple of months have provided me with quite the learning lesson. Not just as a mother, but also as a certified lactation counselor.

If you read my previous post Unhappy Boy, you know that Colden did not adapt well to my pregnancy. I wasn't entirely sure if it was related to my drop in milk supply or something unrelated. I nursed Olivia until I was seven-months-pregnant with Lila and she never flinched. Then again, my milk supply didn't diminish quite as quickly and when it did, she naturally weaned, not willing to spend more time on the breast, waiting for a let-down that wasn't going to come.

Early last week, however, Colden came around. He started to ask for more food, stuffing his face as often as possible during the day. He eats so much, he has up to four bowel movements a day! With the increase in appetite came a happier boy. It was then that I realized he had been nursing quite often during the day and probably was receiving a tremendous amount of needed calories through breast milk. When that stopped flowing as freely, he panicked. Even when I offered him water and more food, he refused, patiently waiting for the milk to come back. The poor boy was heartbroken and so confused!

He now has it all figured out. He eats well, drinks plenty of water and gets drops of mama's milk (and lots of cuddles that come along with nursing) when he does nurse, which is up to three times a night and about three times during the day. He's happy again at his German kindergarten, he once again plays with his sisters and even independently at home. He's back to singing and dancing. I missed him so much!!

It's so nice to have him back and it's good to know that nursing toddlers can be greatly upset at the onset of a new pregnancy. I didn't learn about this in lactation classes (so far) and I haven't found any information in my books. Learning it first hand was beneficial, however. I will surely never forget this invaluable lesson and will be able to help reassure and guide moms of nursing toddlers through this tough time in the future!

The Deployment-Baby Dilemma

As most of you know, Matt is deploying in the near future. I can't say when, but he won't be here for the birth. When I found out I was pregnant, the deployment was a non-issue. I've had a baby while he was deployed in the past. My parents arrived the day before I went into labor. They were able to stay for two weeks, after which Matt's parents arrived. Matt was home by the time Lila was three-weeks-old. Olivia was a fairly easy toddler and the whole thing was easy-peasy.

Fast forward to now. We will have two children in German elementary school and one in German kindergarten.  Just recently I began to think about the logistics of the days before and weeks after the birth. Logistically speaking, it would be better for me to move back to Vermont, rent a house, and give birth there. My dad is semi-retired and could help watch Colden or bring him to his preschool, and pick up the kids after school, bring them to dance, etc. I have two sisters who also live in the area. Lots of help. But, I'm not moving back. It's kinda too late for that and I like it here.  Here are the logistical issues I'm running into as they play out in my currently jumbled brain:

• Neither sets of parents are fully retired. My mom can take two weeks off, at best. Colden was 10-days early. When to get my parents here is going to be tricky. They can't come two weeks early because that would eat up my mother's entire vacation and the baby could, in fact, come two weeks (or more) late. They will probably come one week before I'm due (8NOV). They can stay until one week after I'm due. No matter what, I'll have help for only a very short period time. 
• My close friend, Amy, from our year in Kansas, will be moving to the area in another month or two. Her husband will not be deploying. I'm so very excited and very grateful to have her here. However, she will be living a half hour away, has a child in elementary school, a toddler and an infant. There is only so much she can do. Military friends who live closer may or may not be able to help and this is because their children go to American schools and my children go to German schools. Their schedules do not coincide (not even close).  If I have the baby on/around my due date, my parents will be able to help for the first week. During that time I intend to stay in bed and have lots of skin-to-skin time with the baby. Getting my girls on the bus in the morning, getting Colden to kindergarten (he attends for three-hours daily), picking Colden up from kindergarten, picking girls up from their after school program, bringing girls to dance classes and Scouts, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry will be challenging if the baby comes early or late. If that happens, I'm kinda on my own to get up and do it because military friends who live close by will be getting their kids off to school and then doing the same for them as I do my children in the afternoons. I've always had lots of help after previous children were born and I honestly cannot imagine doing all that running around right after the baby is born. In the case of not-so-great timing of birth, I'll have to pull the kids out of their events for a couple of weeks. But that still leaves me getting up early in the morning to make school snacks and seeing the two oldest off on the bus and bringing the youngest off to kindergarten. A few hours later, pick up begins (and so on).
• What about Matt's parents? Again, not retired. Matt's mother doesn't have vacation time until Christmas. We haven't asked them to come yet. But, I'm certainly not flying home for Christmas with a newborn, a toddler and two school-age children. No way. My plan is to ask them to come for Christmas, and pay for their tickets (of course). 

Possible solutions:

• Hire an American college student, nanny or senior in high school to help with the after school pick ups and, possibly, dance, scout, ice skating lessons, etc. for a couple of months. 
• Hire a post-partum doula who will help out with laundry, cleaning, and cooking. 
• Hire a housekeeper (This is almost a certainty anyway. I've looked and have yet to find someone, however). 
• Beg a family or friend to take a leave of absence from her job and come help. We pay for flights and help with bills. 
• Have a great birth, easy baby and just do it all. 

I know as it gets closer, solutions may present themselves. The Army family is just that. A family. Deployments bring us closer together and we work out solutions, even when the obstacles are overwhelming. We are strong. We are powerful. We are extraordinarily capable. I know I'm in good hands. However, that doesn't mean it will be easy. It will certainly be an eventful chapter in my Army Life book!

Unhappy Boy

Happy Boy

See that happy face above? Well, he's not happy anymore.  Soon after I found out I was pregnant, I noticed my milk supply start to wane. It didn't take too much longer for Colden to realize what was going on. Ever since then, he has been an emotional wreck.

Colden has taken to screaming on a near constant basis. Nearly everything sets him off. He's become rather unpleasant. He likes to nurse very often. He is very patient. He will nurse and nurse. He refuses to come off. He could wait all day for the milk to flow, quenching his thirst and satisfying his hunger. When I finally pull him off and the milk hasn't come, he throws a tantrum. We go round and round like this all day.

I use camomile homeopathic beads (edible) to help calm him. I take him to the park, I diffuse calming essential oils, and baby-wear. Nothing works. Whenever I hold him, he either pulls up my shirt or puts his hands down my shirt, begging to nurse. No matter where we are, he wants to nurse. He won't play with the kids at his kindergarten (he's there for a couple hours a day during the week). He walks around with his blanket, glum and looking like Linus.

He wakes upwards of three times a night. I give him water before we nurse. When I go to put him back to bed, unlike the days of past when he would gladly curl up with his blankets and go back sleep with a smile on his face, he throws a fit. It takes a few minutes (2-5) but he does stop his fit and goes to sleep. Still, I don't want him crying for one second and the attachment parenter in me feels like I should be running back to hold him and nurse him. However, I physically can't. I'm tired, my breasts are sore, I'm still not feeling well, my allergies are killing me, I have two other children to get up with early in the morning. I can't nurse him all day and all night long. I can't hold him all day long. Right now, he's so needy, I can't even use the bathroom without him sobbing with his hands wrapped around my legs. This boy is completely distraught and clearly on to the fact that he's not going to be the baby in the house much longer. For five-weeks straight, he has made it very clear that he is not happy about this.

On the weekends, I've been trying to have Matt spend more time with him. He does have fun with daddy - as long as I'm not around.

I keep telling myself it's going to get better. He'll adjust. Am I scared? Yes. Very much so. If he's still like this when Matt deploys, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble!

This too shall pass, this too shall pass....

So This Happened

A little background before I begin. Colden was an oops. Took us both by surprise. Lila was almost five when he was born. Olivia was almost seven. He was a pleasant surprise, however. We were clearly missing a little boy in our lives and he was it! He completed our family. Occasionally someone would suggest we add one more to the family so Colden could have a playmate. Nope. Was.Not.Happening.Ever. We were content. I had a list of reasons in my head as to why we did not need to expand. It goes as follows:

• I grew up with three siblings. It was chaos. 
• I hate to clean and am disorganized. I did, however, keep a fairly clean house until Olivia and Lila joined forces. Now that Colden has joined in, well, if you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been struggling to keep up and am about to purge most of their crap. 
• We are a military family and move all.the.time. It's stressful. Enough said.
• Four is expensive. 
• I'm oldish (36).
• I'm back in school studying Maternal Child Health-Lactation Consulting.
• I have meniere's disease. It is a chronic, sometimes debilitating, progressive inner ear disease. Perhaps it's not very responsible to add more to the family if I may end up needing to be taken care of sooner rather than later. 

Six-weeks ago Matt and I were having dinner at his boss's house. His wife and I were talking tubal ligation. She had one and highly recommended it. I mentioned my mother and one of my sister's had it done. Since my husband has refused a vasectomy, it was, indeed, my turn. I was done!! A referral and then surgery were looking to be in my near future.

Well, I didn't act on it soon enough. A few weeks ago I began to feel ill. The nausea hit me in waves. At first I thought it was a stomach bug. I couldn't be pregnant because we had been using contraceptive. It was a new contraceptive for me, but it worked the first several months. I did not stop to consider it could have failed.

After a few days, however, I realized I wasn't only sick. I was late. I also noted that my children were not sick. If it was a stomach bug, surely someone else would have gotten it by now.

The next time I went grocery shopping, I grabbed a 99-cent test. Still not convinced I could be pregnant, I did not take the test in the bathroom of the store. I waited until I got home. As soon as I put Colden down for a nap, I peed into a cup, used the little syringe (a 99-cent test is a cheap-ass test and you can't just pee onto it) to drop three drops of urine on the hole on the stick. The urine hits the T (test) before it hits the control (C). As I saw the T end light right up, I shouted, "No, go back, no go BACK!" I really shouted that, out loud to no one in my bathroom (girls were at school).

I immediately ran to my computer and emailed Matt. I couldn't call him or talk to him face-to-face because he was away on an Army training exercise. I asked him if he put a hole in my contraceptive, explaining that I was pregnant. Once I hit send, I called my mother at around 5:20am her time. "Mom, I have bad news." What mother likes a phone call like that at the butt crack of dawn? Not my mother. She said something like (panicked breaths). "OH, NO! What??" When I told her I was pregnant, she let out the breath she was holding and said, "Well, that's okay, honey." I think I was too numb to cry, so I whined instead. Whined that Matt wouldn't be there for the birth and even worse, baby would be five-months-old before he got home. I'm in Germany. She promised to come with my dad during the time the baby was due like I knew she would. Like she (they) had before.

Matt emailed me a little later with, "It better be a boy." That evening he called and told me to suck it up. That we have nothing to be but happy and that "kids are great." 

So, there you have it. How do I feel about it now? Well, my husband and my kids are probably still happier about it than I am. I'm just too sick (most of the time) to embrace it yet. It's hard to embrace it when you feel sick ALL.DAY.LONG. Today has been a good day though, I feel ok. Just ok. Though, really tired. Oh, and starving. I had a big Greek dinner tonight and, now, about 90-minutes (or less) after finishing it, I'm famished.

Ask me again in about eight weeks and I'll probably be really into the idea again. When I'm about 16-18 weeks pregnant, the nausea usually wears off. Until then, I'll be hiding under the covers, trying not to puke, and avoiding the mess that is my house.

Seriously, people. You know me. I'm a birth and breastfeeding nerd. I like giving birth. Without drugs. At home. I don't mind breastfeeding my infants into toddlerhood. Tongue tied and all (ok, I kinda mind that, but I do it anyway). Heck, I may even tandem nurse this time around! It's going to be great! When I stop feeling sick. And, when my two oldest learn how to clean their room without killing each other, and obey me at all times....