A Confession

I have been a despicable grump during this pregnancy. On Friday, I'll head into week 15 - planted firmly in the second trimester, yet, so very far away from the finish line.

The mood swings started with the spotting. I've had bleeding problems almost since day one. Sometimes barely anything, sometimes, so alarming, I've rushed to acute care. I think the OB I'm seeing (Until the midwife starts seeing me) has correctly diagnosed the problem. It's insignificant. However, seeing red can make you pretty darn emotional and moody.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, all-day sickness kicked in. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as it was with the girls - but, it came and went. Some days, I didn't feel sick at all. This never happened with the girls and was, therefore, alarming. Those two pregnancies were identical in almost every way. I don't know if it's because it may (a big MAY) be a different sex, or because I eat differently, or because I'm older, or all three. Nonetheless, it put me in a bad mood b/c I like consistency. I wasn't expecting a different pregnancy and when I got it, I freaked out.

Then there was the cough. It was horrible. It contributed to the bleeding because it irritated my cervix. Not only that, it made me vomit. I pulled a muscle in my back coughing. The cough virus took six weeks to disappear. The pulled muscle lasted about three weeks.

Oh, and then there's the allergies. Why am I always in early pregnancy when allergy season hits? My allergies are so much worse when I'm pregnant. I have it all. The stuffy nose, the itchy, watery eyes, the scratchy throat. I wake up two-three times nightly just to have an allergy attack (this does not include all the times I get up to pee). 

So, you see, it's hard to enjoy your pregnancy with all that going on. Now, as the sickness starts to wear off, I'm at the stage where you don't really feel much of anything. There are pregnancy signs - my slowly forming baby-belly, my breast size jumping from a B to a D+. A pregnancy mask (face), also not very visible with the girls (and certainly not at this point) getting darker each day, despite daily use of sunscreen, dry hair, dry skin and so on. This stage is also alarming because I can't yet feel the baby move. There have been a few times where I thought I felt something familiar, bringing me back nearly five years. But, no, I can't really be sure. After I eat, I sometimes sit on the couch and poke at my belly. Is the rolling sensation I feel just above my public bone my food digesting, or the baby moving? Who can tell? I can't. I know I'll feel much better in a couple weeks when I should feel real flutters and, possibly, pokes.

Last week, I overheard someone tell another pregnant friend (who is also pregnant for the last time) to savor it. Savor every second. I needed to hear those words. It's been so easy for me to be caught up in all the discomfort and uneasiness of pregnancy. Yet, after I give birth to this child, it will be over. I will never again go through this. The tender moments of feeling your baby move inside of you, watching your spouse smile as he rests his hand on a foot or bottom - will be over. I want to feel as if I closed that door properly, made peace with it and, surely, savored it. As much as I want to hold this baby, nurse him or her and watch him or her grow and play with siblings, I know I need to hold on to this.

I'm so thankful that I was reminded that this is my last baby. I'm going to try to push aside my grumpiness, despite it being somewhat hormonal and, therefore, justified and spend some quiet time each day savoring pieces of this pregnancy.