Note: I want to clarify from the outset that there is no condemnation here for any one who has or will choose different routes. These are the thoughts pertaining to information I have read, researched, or observed that lead me to choose what is best for my baby and my baby alone.
Now that the first half of my pregnancy is over, I've been thinking more seriously about what I want to do differently with this baby than I did with the girls and also what I want to do differently than is custom in our families and/or our culture. I've never believed that we have to do what our grandmother, mother, sister, friends, etc. did or does. I believe in going my own way. That isn't to say that my mother or sisters or mother-in-law (and so on) or friends haven't taught me anything or haven't supported me. They most certainly have. We all learn from each other. Parenting is an ever-changing journey and we learn different methods of parenting through all kinds of avenues.
Here's a list of what's been on my mind. They are diversions, on various levels (some more extreme than others), to what is considered "normal" in most American households.
Now that the first half of my pregnancy is over, I've been thinking more seriously about what I want to do differently with this baby than I did with the girls and also what I want to do differently than is custom in our families and/or our culture. I've never believed that we have to do what our grandmother, mother, sister, friends, etc. did or does. I believe in going my own way. That isn't to say that my mother or sisters or mother-in-law (and so on) or friends haven't taught me anything or haven't supported me. They most certainly have. We all learn from each other. Parenting is an ever-changing journey and we learn different methods of parenting through all kinds of avenues.
Here's a list of what's been on my mind. They are diversions, on various levels (some more extreme than others), to what is considered "normal" in most American households.
- Home birth - Yes, for this baby we are planning a home birth. I have an excellent German midwife, whom I trust and adore. I'm not in the least bit nervous. I know that I am in good hands, I trust my body to birth normally and naturally. I trust my midwife and spouse to keep me mentally focused (the hardest part of natural birth, in my opinion). I had a successful natural birth before. As long as I continue (and baby) to be healthy, home birth is our plan. If we move (always a possibility) and I can't find a home birthing midwife or if my health or the baby's health waivers, we will have a hospital birth back-up plan.
- Upon birth we will not cut his cord immediately. We will wait for the cord to stop pumping first. He will remain on my chest, with a blanket covering him and will stay there for the first hour and/or until he finds his way, on his own, to my breast and latches on and has one good feed. He will then be weighed. All other procedures (suction if necessary) until then will be done on my chest. Sound strange? It's not. It's, actually, the standard of care, when possible, at many baby-friendly certified hospitals. I've seen videos on this in my lactation training and think it should be the standard of care everywhere (home, birth center, hospital, etc). If Harlem hospital in NY can do it, it can be done anywhere!
- Name - As of right now, he will be born without one. Matt and I cannot agree on a name. Fights have ensued. For sure he will get my husband's last name. The only thing we do agree on in terms of names is that he will not be a Jr. or a II. In fact, it's unlikely he'll be named after anyone on either side of the family.
- Circumcision - Wow, I'm bringing up a super controversial topic. I think it must be controversial because it can be considered a moral issue. As in, do we really have a moral right to remove a functioning body part (yes, the foreskin does have function - look it up if you don't believe me) on an individual who is unable to give his consent? It's permanent. It cannot be taken back and, yes, there are some furious men out there who go on to have restoration of their foreskins. Since it is purely cosmetic and I do not believe cosmetic surgery should be done on an infant, it's something I do not want my son to undergo. I have learned, in my lactation counselor training, it can have a negative impact on the first days and weeks of breastfeeding. It's one of those issues lactation counselors have a hard time bringing up because they don't want to make the situation worse and inadvertently guilt-trip parents. Since I had issues in the beginning breastfeeding both my previous children, this information sealed the deal for me. I do not believe the "locker room"or, "must look like dad" arguments. Both seem so silly to me, I can barely talk about them. Seriously, how many adult US males remember what their father's "member" looks like? And, if kids really looked at each others penises in the locker room and made comments, then the penis that was unusually large or unusually small would be picked on too. I've never heard of this happening and if it did, I think there would be some serious locker room brawls (I'm sure it does happen, I'm not ignorant - but, it's obviously not a serious issue). Since rates of circumcision in the States have dropped over the past several years, it won't be an unusual thing to see anyway. Oh, and then there's the whole, "It's hard to keep clean. It will get infected easily." In the words of my German friend, Sarah, "You Americans are all fed bull*hit and lies. I don't know if I've ever heard something so ridiculous in my life." Sarah is married to an intact man, has a son who is intact and a father who is a family practice doctor. Circumcision is not practiced in Europe (religion aside) and she's never heard any horror stories like we Americans do and what we base much of our circumcision decisions on. In fact, well more (some statistics state 85%) than half of the men in the World are not circumcised. Who knew? I know I didn't until recently. Yup, all those British young men (Rob Pattinson) or Swedish (Alexandar Skarsgard) men you have the hots for - most likely intact. From what my friends who have intact sons tell me, an intact infant is easier to take care of/clean than their baby girls' "bits." Further, the crowd I "run" in (baby-wearing, natural birthing, extended breastfeeding, Real Food-eating crowd) leave their sons, in general, intact. I probably know well over a dozen young American boys who are intact. Because I will probably always be running in that crowd, my children will befriend children of those parents. When he's three and strips down naked with his friends to be goofy, he will unlikely be the only intact little boy in the group. I look at it this way: Not circumcising my son is not permanent. Circumcision is. If he so chooses, later on, when he is properly informed on both sides of the issue, he can make his own informed, mature decision. And, he will have access to pain medication that an infant is not allowed. Everyone likes to say that it's more painful then. I don't like that argument either. I've had nose reconstruction (bony spur, deviated septum, among other things). That surgery is pretty damn painful, takes weeks to heal and my surgeon told me that it was very similar to a cosmetic nose job. Yet, people choose to go through that pain every day. Thousands (millions?) world-wide. Come on. If our son chooses to get circ'd later on, he can join the rest of the people out there undergoing elective cosmetic surgery and put up with the pain. Who knows - there's a good chance he'll thank me instead.
- Baby-Led Weaning - This is a method of feeding I first learned about last year in my lactation course. In the past I made my own purees. Well, this method does not involve purees. It involves letting your baby who can sit up on his own, has no tongue thrust and is at least six-months-old, dig right in (with regard to allergy prone foods, obviously). A chunk of red pepper, a whole banana, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes (without the milk in the beginning). It's messy - but, it's freeing!!! I know, with Liv, I couldn't wait to make her babyfood. I bought kits and used my blender and steamed and baked. Well, it was fun for a month, maybe two. Then, it got old and boring. I grew tired of defrosting food. This is going to be a fantastic adventure. I know people who use this method and rave about it. There is an article about it on Eco Child's Play (here) that explains why they don't choke, why it's developmentally better than purees, and even a book and website recommendation. Check it out!
Nat, William has been total baby-led weening with great success. The only thing I could never seem to get right was the green beans...ended up using one of the food choppers. He would continually shove that bean so far down he would gag...not the sharpest knife :-).
ReplyDeleteI'll be the first to comment and commend you for saying what you say. You know me, I am all for everything you stated here, so I can't provide much in the way of objectivity. I think you make a really good argument for not circumcising. I totally agree...from a Momma to an intact 6 month old baby!
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