Place Your Vote!

It's about that time! I'm 21-22 weeks pregnant. We had our "big" ultrasound last night (no more after this, despite the fact that the nice doc would like me back in 10-weeks for a final one). The baby looks perfectly healthy, which is what my main focus was, especially given that I am planning another home birth in a foreign country.

We are having a very very small BBQ on Sunday afternoon with a few friends and will have Skype on for family. A cake decorator knows the sex of our baby. I had decided to have cake at the party because Matt is deploying soon. Not that I really want to celebrate a deployment. But, a "sweet" send off is always fun, right?

So, despite the fact that I am not a fan of food coloring, I have told the decorator to make the filling either pink or blue, depending on the sex, so we could have a little gender reveal party. My young girls will surely get a kick out of it. Liv has asked to cut the cake and I have agreed.

So...place your vote!! Are we having a boy or a girl??

A Shocker

I can hardly believe it, but my little man is weaning. Early in my pregnancy I blogged about how incredibly unhappy he was that my milk had almost entirely dried up. It was a very difficult adjustment for us and I was so heart broken (My milk did not dry up nearly as quickly with Olivia and she nursed until the end the my pregnancy with Lila. She was not phased in the least. A reminder that every pregnancy can, indeed, be different. Comparing one mother to another or one pregnancy to another is fairly fruitless) about the entire situation.

After several weeks, he started to eat more table food and found a happy place. He would nurse at nap times, bed time and a couple times in the middle of the night. It was comfort nursing, but it worked for him. He was content. I was relieved.

Recently, we traveled to Slovenia and Croatia and he nursed every morning for at least one hour straight. We laid in bed together while he nursed through his last hour or more of sleep. It was a bit trying for me because I don't sleep and nurse easily. However, it kept him quiet which, in turn, let everyone sleep an extra hour or more each morning. Weaning was not on the horizon - or so I thought.

Upon returning home a couple of weeks ago, you can imagine my surprise when he stopped asking to nurse. At times, when I offered, he would pull away and grab for something else, distracting himself. As it stands now, if I don't offer, he doesn't ask. When I do offer, he will nurse for a few seconds, smile up at me, play with my hair, come unlatched, point to my nipple, say "ball" and run off.

I had planned on tandem nursing. While that is not entirely out of the question, it will be up to me if I want that to happen or not. I can continue to offer and keep him nursing up to a few times a week (so he doesn't "forget" how to latch properly), or I can discontinue altogether.

Both situations require some thought. If this baby is as tongue-tied as he was, my main focus will be getting tongue and lip tie revisions and a proper latch. In my experience as a lactation counselor, I've noticed that most toddlers, even if they were mostly-weaned during the pregnancy, love the new milk coming in and take up nursing whole-heartily. In some cases this contributes to over-supply of milk, which I have struggled with each time (Yes, it is possible to have an over-supply instead of low-supply. Both can present great challenges). If I'm dealing with newborn latch issues, over-supply and an over-eager nursing toddler, I could be in for some very big challenges. Then again, it may go better than expected and I my worry will have been for nothing.

It's another journey in my life as a mother. We'll figure it out as we go along. I'm not going to stress too much about it. These things have a way of working themselves out. I also have more resources available to me than many other moms have (or know they have).

On the plus side, as Colden has weaned himself, he has started sleeping through the night. Yes, finally!! He's 21-months and with Matt deploying soon for 9-10 months, it couldn't have come at a better time. I am beyond thrilled! Since I fiercely disagree with crying-it-out (I let my toddlers whimper a bit, however, screaming ones self to sleep is a no-no in my book. I'm not comfortable with my child's stress hormones becoming elevated due to my selfishness. I say that even as a mother who has a chronic illness which requires me to get proper sleep or suffer the consequences), I was worried I would be up with a toddler and a newborn several times a night. Looks like I can put that worry aside!! Phew!

If you are pregnant or thinking about getting pregnant and have a nursing infant or toddler, KellyMom provides some excellent information here: Nursing During Pregnancy and Tandem Nursing

My Boy is Back!

The past couple of months have provided me with quite the learning lesson. Not just as a mother, but also as a certified lactation counselor.

If you read my previous post Unhappy Boy, you know that Colden did not adapt well to my pregnancy. I wasn't entirely sure if it was related to my drop in milk supply or something unrelated. I nursed Olivia until I was seven-months-pregnant with Lila and she never flinched. Then again, my milk supply didn't diminish quite as quickly and when it did, she naturally weaned, not willing to spend more time on the breast, waiting for a let-down that wasn't going to come.

Early last week, however, Colden came around. He started to ask for more food, stuffing his face as often as possible during the day. He eats so much, he has up to four bowel movements a day! With the increase in appetite came a happier boy. It was then that I realized he had been nursing quite often during the day and probably was receiving a tremendous amount of needed calories through breast milk. When that stopped flowing as freely, he panicked. Even when I offered him water and more food, he refused, patiently waiting for the milk to come back. The poor boy was heartbroken and so confused!

He now has it all figured out. He eats well, drinks plenty of water and gets drops of mama's milk (and lots of cuddles that come along with nursing) when he does nurse, which is up to three times a night and about three times during the day. He's happy again at his German kindergarten, he once again plays with his sisters and even independently at home. He's back to singing and dancing. I missed him so much!!

It's so nice to have him back and it's good to know that nursing toddlers can be greatly upset at the onset of a new pregnancy. I didn't learn about this in lactation classes (so far) and I haven't found any information in my books. Learning it first hand was beneficial, however. I will surely never forget this invaluable lesson and will be able to help reassure and guide moms of nursing toddlers through this tough time in the future!

The Deployment-Baby Dilemma

As most of you know, Matt is deploying in the near future. I can't say when, but he won't be here for the birth. When I found out I was pregnant, the deployment was a non-issue. I've had a baby while he was deployed in the past. My parents arrived the day before I went into labor. They were able to stay for two weeks, after which Matt's parents arrived. Matt was home by the time Lila was three-weeks-old. Olivia was a fairly easy toddler and the whole thing was easy-peasy.

Fast forward to now. We will have two children in German elementary school and one in German kindergarten.  Just recently I began to think about the logistics of the days before and weeks after the birth. Logistically speaking, it would be better for me to move back to Vermont, rent a house, and give birth there. My dad is semi-retired and could help watch Colden or bring him to his preschool, and pick up the kids after school, bring them to dance, etc. I have two sisters who also live in the area. Lots of help. But, I'm not moving back. It's kinda too late for that and I like it here.  Here are the logistical issues I'm running into as they play out in my currently jumbled brain:

• Neither sets of parents are fully retired. My mom can take two weeks off, at best. Colden was 10-days early. When to get my parents here is going to be tricky. They can't come two weeks early because that would eat up my mother's entire vacation and the baby could, in fact, come two weeks (or more) late. They will probably come one week before I'm due (8NOV). They can stay until one week after I'm due. No matter what, I'll have help for only a very short period time. 
• My close friend, Amy, from our year in Kansas, will be moving to the area in another month or two. Her husband will not be deploying. I'm so very excited and very grateful to have her here. However, she will be living a half hour away, has a child in elementary school, a toddler and an infant. There is only so much she can do. Military friends who live closer may or may not be able to help and this is because their children go to American schools and my children go to German schools. Their schedules do not coincide (not even close).  If I have the baby on/around my due date, my parents will be able to help for the first week. During that time I intend to stay in bed and have lots of skin-to-skin time with the baby. Getting my girls on the bus in the morning, getting Colden to kindergarten (he attends for three-hours daily), picking Colden up from kindergarten, picking girls up from their after school program, bringing girls to dance classes and Scouts, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry will be challenging if the baby comes early or late. If that happens, I'm kinda on my own to get up and do it because military friends who live close by will be getting their kids off to school and then doing the same for them as I do my children in the afternoons. I've always had lots of help after previous children were born and I honestly cannot imagine doing all that running around right after the baby is born. In the case of not-so-great timing of birth, I'll have to pull the kids out of their events for a couple of weeks. But that still leaves me getting up early in the morning to make school snacks and seeing the two oldest off on the bus and bringing the youngest off to kindergarten. A few hours later, pick up begins (and so on).
• What about Matt's parents? Again, not retired. Matt's mother doesn't have vacation time until Christmas. We haven't asked them to come yet. But, I'm certainly not flying home for Christmas with a newborn, a toddler and two school-age children. No way. My plan is to ask them to come for Christmas, and pay for their tickets (of course). 

Possible solutions:

• Hire an American college student, nanny or senior in high school to help with the after school pick ups and, possibly, dance, scout, ice skating lessons, etc. for a couple of months. 
• Hire a post-partum doula who will help out with laundry, cleaning, and cooking. 
• Hire a housekeeper (This is almost a certainty anyway. I've looked and have yet to find someone, however). 
• Beg a family or friend to take a leave of absence from her job and come help. We pay for flights and help with bills. 
• Have a great birth, easy baby and just do it all. 

I know as it gets closer, solutions may present themselves. The Army family is just that. A family. Deployments bring us closer together and we work out solutions, even when the obstacles are overwhelming. We are strong. We are powerful. We are extraordinarily capable. I know I'm in good hands. However, that doesn't mean it will be easy. It will certainly be an eventful chapter in my Army Life book!

Unhappy Boy

Happy Boy

See that happy face above? Well, he's not happy anymore.  Soon after I found out I was pregnant, I noticed my milk supply start to wane. It didn't take too much longer for Colden to realize what was going on. Ever since then, he has been an emotional wreck.

Colden has taken to screaming on a near constant basis. Nearly everything sets him off. He's become rather unpleasant. He likes to nurse very often. He is very patient. He will nurse and nurse. He refuses to come off. He could wait all day for the milk to flow, quenching his thirst and satisfying his hunger. When I finally pull him off and the milk hasn't come, he throws a tantrum. We go round and round like this all day.

I use camomile homeopathic beads (edible) to help calm him. I take him to the park, I diffuse calming essential oils, and baby-wear. Nothing works. Whenever I hold him, he either pulls up my shirt or puts his hands down my shirt, begging to nurse. No matter where we are, he wants to nurse. He won't play with the kids at his kindergarten (he's there for a couple hours a day during the week). He walks around with his blanket, glum and looking like Linus.

He wakes upwards of three times a night. I give him water before we nurse. When I go to put him back to bed, unlike the days of past when he would gladly curl up with his blankets and go back sleep with a smile on his face, he throws a fit. It takes a few minutes (2-5) but he does stop his fit and goes to sleep. Still, I don't want him crying for one second and the attachment parenter in me feels like I should be running back to hold him and nurse him. However, I physically can't. I'm tired, my breasts are sore, I'm still not feeling well, my allergies are killing me, I have two other children to get up with early in the morning. I can't nurse him all day and all night long. I can't hold him all day long. Right now, he's so needy, I can't even use the bathroom without him sobbing with his hands wrapped around my legs. This boy is completely distraught and clearly on to the fact that he's not going to be the baby in the house much longer. For five-weeks straight, he has made it very clear that he is not happy about this.

On the weekends, I've been trying to have Matt spend more time with him. He does have fun with daddy - as long as I'm not around.

I keep telling myself it's going to get better. He'll adjust. Am I scared? Yes. Very much so. If he's still like this when Matt deploys, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble!

This too shall pass, this too shall pass....

So This Happened

A little background before I begin. Colden was an oops. Took us both by surprise. Lila was almost five when he was born. Olivia was almost seven. He was a pleasant surprise, however. We were clearly missing a little boy in our lives and he was it! He completed our family. Occasionally someone would suggest we add one more to the family so Colden could have a playmate. Nope. Was.Not.Happening.Ever. We were content. I had a list of reasons in my head as to why we did not need to expand. It goes as follows:

• I grew up with three siblings. It was chaos. 
• I hate to clean and am disorganized. I did, however, keep a fairly clean house until Olivia and Lila joined forces. Now that Colden has joined in, well, if you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been struggling to keep up and am about to purge most of their crap. 
• We are a military family and move all.the.time. It's stressful. Enough said.
• Four is expensive. 
• I'm oldish (36).
• I'm back in school studying Maternal Child Health-Lactation Consulting.
• I have meniere's disease. It is a chronic, sometimes debilitating, progressive inner ear disease. Perhaps it's not very responsible to add more to the family if I may end up needing to be taken care of sooner rather than later. 

Six-weeks ago Matt and I were having dinner at his boss's house. His wife and I were talking tubal ligation. She had one and highly recommended it. I mentioned my mother and one of my sister's had it done. Since my husband has refused a vasectomy, it was, indeed, my turn. I was done!! A referral and then surgery were looking to be in my near future.

Well, I didn't act on it soon enough. A few weeks ago I began to feel ill. The nausea hit me in waves. At first I thought it was a stomach bug. I couldn't be pregnant because we had been using contraceptive. It was a new contraceptive for me, but it worked the first several months. I did not stop to consider it could have failed.

After a few days, however, I realized I wasn't only sick. I was late. I also noted that my children were not sick. If it was a stomach bug, surely someone else would have gotten it by now.

The next time I went grocery shopping, I grabbed a 99-cent test. Still not convinced I could be pregnant, I did not take the test in the bathroom of the store. I waited until I got home. As soon as I put Colden down for a nap, I peed into a cup, used the little syringe (a 99-cent test is a cheap-ass test and you can't just pee onto it) to drop three drops of urine on the hole on the stick. The urine hits the T (test) before it hits the control (C). As I saw the T end light right up, I shouted, "No, go back, no go BACK!" I really shouted that, out loud to no one in my bathroom (girls were at school).

I immediately ran to my computer and emailed Matt. I couldn't call him or talk to him face-to-face because he was away on an Army training exercise. I asked him if he put a hole in my contraceptive, explaining that I was pregnant. Once I hit send, I called my mother at around 5:20am her time. "Mom, I have bad news." What mother likes a phone call like that at the butt crack of dawn? Not my mother. She said something like (panicked breaths). "OH, NO! What??" When I told her I was pregnant, she let out the breath she was holding and said, "Well, that's okay, honey." I think I was too numb to cry, so I whined instead. Whined that Matt wouldn't be there for the birth and even worse, baby would be five-months-old before he got home. I'm in Germany. She promised to come with my dad during the time the baby was due like I knew she would. Like she (they) had before.

Matt emailed me a little later with, "It better be a boy." That evening he called and told me to suck it up. That we have nothing to be but happy and that "kids are great." 

So, there you have it. How do I feel about it now? Well, my husband and my kids are probably still happier about it than I am. I'm just too sick (most of the time) to embrace it yet. It's hard to embrace it when you feel sick ALL.DAY.LONG. Today has been a good day though, I feel ok. Just ok. Though, really tired. Oh, and starving. I had a big Greek dinner tonight and, now, about 90-minutes (or less) after finishing it, I'm famished.

Ask me again in about eight weeks and I'll probably be really into the idea again. When I'm about 16-18 weeks pregnant, the nausea usually wears off. Until then, I'll be hiding under the covers, trying not to puke, and avoiding the mess that is my house.

Seriously, people. You know me. I'm a birth and breastfeeding nerd. I like giving birth. Without drugs. At home. I don't mind breastfeeding my infants into toddlerhood. Tongue tied and all (ok, I kinda mind that, but I do it anyway). Heck, I may even tandem nurse this time around! It's going to be great! When I stop feeling sick. And, when my two oldest learn how to clean their room without killing each other, and obey me at all times....

When Breastfeeding Sucks

This is a little bit of a difficult post because as a lactation counselor, I feel as if I should not be in this situation.  I should be a pro-nurser at this point.  I nursed two other children into toddlerhood with relatively few problems.

This story, however, begins with Lila.  We had a latch problem for three or four days after she was born.  Before I even left the hospital, however, I had contacted an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Counselor) and she paid a visit to my home just after I arrived home from the hospital.  The latch was corrected that day. Lila was, interestingly, a projectile puker and had explosive bowel movements.  She also gained weight at a rapid rate for the first several weeks.  All signs pointed to an over-supply of milk (I didn't know this at the time).  Over-supply gets worse with each subsequent child.  So....flash forward five years and here I am.

I have an over-supply.  I suspected it in the beginning and suspected that Colden thought he may drown in milk when, at nine-days-old, he started clicking. Which was, essentially, his way of sliding off the latch and pinching down on the nipple to slow the flow.  This is not comfortable. I block nursed (nursed on one side for two-three feedings in a row-which helps reduce the amount of milk, speed of flow, etc) and nursed him upright.  It didn't seem to work. I would often find him gagging at the breast. Further, an hour or two after I fed him, he would again gag and milk would come out his nose, resulting in crying.   He recently stopped spraying milk out his nose and also stopped gagging as much.  I spent one day several weeks ago pulling him off the latch every single time he clicked. It didn't work but I assumed he would grow out of it. I tried to relax and accept the journey we were on together.

Then, it looked like we had thrush. Probably brought on by cracked nipples in the first few days of nursing (that is better and has been for weeks). So, we treated that and I think it is better - but the discomfort continued. The latch has not improved much.

My midwife thought maybe he had high muscle tone.  My college advisers (Remember, I'm going to school for lactation counseling) thought maybe he needed a speech consult.  A La Leche Leader, who is also an MD, took one look at him, heard his happy noises at the breast, his full cheeks and decided he would probably grow out of it but, nonetheless, gave me some facial massages to try out that would encourage better sucking/tongue thrust. Lots of advice!

Which brings us to yesterday.  I drove an hour away to see an IBCLC to access his latch (I'd been putting off this visit due to the long drive and girls school schedules) and to see if he needed a speech consult. IBCLCs are experts in the field and Donna has been at it a great many years and came highly recommended.  She told me what I suspected was most likely true.  I have an over-supply and while it may be a bit better, he's still scared he's going to drown.  She wants me to block nurse again, pull him much much tighter into the breast than I was, and spend, what she thinks will be, two-three days fixing the latch.  Getting him deeper on the latch and by block nursing, slowing the flow.  Every time I feel pain, pull him off and relatch him. Hard work.

So, yesterday afternoon I began.  I have my work cut out for me.  He's been doing this for so long, I suspect it will take the full three days or longer.  He's very stubborn and very happy to be doing what he's been doing. Today, in frustration and pressed for time (the girls had to get ready for school), I gave up earlier than I usually would have. I pulled him off and he just looked at me, smiled and began to coo and look at his hands. Little snot! He's such a smart little guy but can't nurse properly. I feel incompetent because I feel as if I should KNOW what to do.  I've nursed successfully before, have training behind me and I still can't get him latched on properly.  He'll be nine-weeks tomorrow.  According to breastfeeding experts, if a latch isn't fixed by three-four months, that's the latch you'll have the entire time you nurse. Ouch!!   

This does not mean I'll give up nursing or start pumping and give him a bottle.  It is what it is and I have good support and tools to move forward and work on this, thankfully.  I'm cautiously optimistic - but, boy oh boy, do I miss the comfortable nursing days of past and look forward to enjoying that time with my little man!  I will conquer this!!