A little background before I begin. Colden was an oops. Took us both by surprise. Lila was almost five when he was born. Olivia was almost seven. He was a pleasant surprise, however. We were clearly missing a little boy in our lives and he was it! He completed our family. Occasionally someone would suggest we add one more to the family so Colden could have a playmate. Nope. Was.Not.Happening.Ever. We were content. I had a list of reasons in my head as to why we did not need to expand. It goes as follows:
- I grew up with three siblings. It was chaos.
- I hate to clean and am disorganized. I did, however, keep a fairly clean house until Olivia and Lila joined forces. Now that Colden has joined in, well, if you follow me on Facebook, you know I've been struggling to keep up and am about to purge most of their crap.
- We are a military family and move all.the.time. It's stressful. Enough said.
- Four is expensive.
- I'm oldish (36).
- I'm back in school studying Maternal Child Health-Lactation Consulting.
- I have meniere's disease. It is a chronic, sometimes debilitating, progressive inner ear disease. Perhaps it's not very responsible to add more to the family if I may end up needing to be taken care of sooner rather than later.
Six-weeks ago Matt and I were having dinner at his boss's house. His wife and I were talking tubal ligation. She had one and highly recommended it. I mentioned my mother and one of my sister's had it done. Since my husband has refused a vasectomy, it was, indeed, my turn. I was done!! A referral and then surgery were looking to be in my near future.
Well, I didn't act on it soon enough. A few weeks ago I began to feel ill. The nausea hit me in waves. At first I thought it was a stomach bug. I couldn't be pregnant because we had been using contraceptive. It was a new contraceptive for me, but it worked the first several months. I did not stop to consider it could have failed.
After a few days, however, I realized I wasn't only sick. I was late. I also noted that my children were not sick. If it was a stomach bug, surely someone else would have gotten it by now.
The next time I went grocery shopping, I grabbed a 99-cent test. Still not convinced I could be pregnant, I did not take the test in the bathroom of the store. I waited until I got home. As soon as I put Colden down for a nap, I peed into a cup, used the little syringe (a 99-cent test is a cheap-ass test and you can't just pee onto it) to drop three drops of urine on the hole on the stick. The urine hits the T (test) before it hits the control (C). As I saw the T end light right up, I shouted, "No, go back, no go BACK!" I really shouted that, out loud to no one in my bathroom (girls were at school).
I immediately ran to my computer and emailed Matt. I couldn't call him or talk to him face-to-face because he was away on an Army training exercise. I asked him if he put a hole in my contraceptive, explaining that I was pregnant. Once I hit send, I called my mother at around 5:20am her time. "Mom, I have bad news." What mother likes a phone call like that at the butt crack of dawn? Not my mother. She said something like (panicked breaths). "OH, NO! What??" When I told her I was pregnant, she let out the breath she was holding and said, "Well, that's okay, honey." I think I was too numb to cry, so I whined instead. Whined that Matt wouldn't be there for the birth and even worse, baby would be five-months-old before he got home. I'm in Germany. She promised to come with my dad during the time the baby was due like I knew she would. Like she (they) had before.
Matt emailed me a little later with, "It better be a boy." That evening he called and told me to suck it up. That we have nothing to be but happy and that "kids are great."
So, there you have it. How do I feel about it now? Well, my husband and my kids are probably still happier about it than I am. I'm just too sick (most of the time) to embrace it yet. It's hard to embrace it when you feel sick ALL.DAY.LONG. Today has been a good day though, I feel ok. Just ok. Though, really tired. Oh, and starving. I had a big Greek dinner tonight and, now, about 90-minutes (or less) after finishing it, I'm famished.
Ask me again in about eight weeks and I'll probably be really into the idea again. When I'm about 16-18 weeks pregnant, the nausea usually wears off. Until then, I'll be hiding under the covers, trying not to puke, and avoiding the mess that is my house.
Seriously, people. You know me. I'm a birth and breastfeeding nerd. I like giving birth. Without drugs. At home. I don't mind breastfeeding my infants into toddlerhood. Tongue tied and all (ok, I kinda mind that, but I do it anyway). Heck, I may even tandem nurse this time around! It's going to be great! When I stop feeling sick. And, when my two oldest learn how to clean their room without killing each other, and obey me at all times....
